Have you been here more often then you'd like? You're having sex because you feel like it's a duty. You feel an obligation to make love to your partner. You've ended up in a place where you're almost desperate. GetLusty advocate and sex counseling extraordinaire Amy Jo Goddard is back with a reason to move forward in 2013. And how! We've all had moments of bad sex (or duty sex). But it doesn't have to be that way. This year, GetLusty hopes to inspire you to stand up for your needs, says Amy Jo Goddard. Read on.
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It’s a new year and a time to turn over those new leaves in the way you do things. Your sex life shall not be shoved in the closet, out of site again, when it comes to New Year’s resolutions, intentions and goal-setting.
One thing I’ve heard far too often from women over the last few years is that they are having “duty sex” with their husbands or partners. They have sex, not because they want to, but because they feel obligated to. They think it’s part of their “job” as “good wife” or “worthy lover”. It makes me really sad when I hear another woman’s story about her obligatory sexual life. I see in her eyes a sense of helplessness, loneliness or even despair about it.
That tends to lead to, “There must be something wrong with me. Why don’t I want sex with my partner? I’m supposed to want sex with the one I love.” She compares herself to what she thinks everyone else is doing or not doing and tries to measure up. She goes into a space of trying to figure out what’s wrong with her.
And men do this too. They just rarely say it out loud. I had what I call “receptacle sex” (or duty sex) last year. Once. Sex where you feel like you could be anybody, because there is little connection and the act is mechanical and it’s over before you know it. You lie there, playing receptacle for your sex partner, and then it’s done and there is nothing more for you. Ewwwwww! I thought, “Oh no. I don’t have sex like this.” I really don’t.
In my younger years, I was in a place of not having agency over my sexuality, and I healed that a long time ago. So here I was in 2012 having receptacle sex again, and I was left asking myself why I went there. I know it was to remind me of what many women go through, to bring up my compassion about it, and to be able to help.
The receptacle sex I had didn’t feel good. It felt yucky, totally out-of-alignment and unsatisfying. It wasn’t horrible. But it will not happen again, I can assure you. If you are having duty sex or receptacle sex, you want to look at where it’s is coming from so that you can stop putting yourself in this situation. There are a few things that may be happening:
You don’t feel like you have a choice. You are married/partnered and think this is all you will ever have so you just do it in service to your marriage. You’ve never really had mutually fulfilling sex, you are unclear about what you actually want, and you think this is normal.
You are having duty sex or receptacle sex so that you can get something in return. You are staying silent about your own needs and desires and this keeps you in a place of not getting your needs met. You defer to the needs of your partner(s) rather than taking responsibility for your own. You are in an abusive relationship and you are fearful of what will happen if you do not have sex with your partner, so you do it out of fear.
There are two clear things that all of these scenarios have in common: in every one of them, you are giving away your power and they are all changeable. If you are having duty sex/receptacle sex, ask yourself why you are giving away your power. You are allowing your body to be treated with non-appreciation, subjugating your own needs and desires and settling for less than what you deserve.
I do not wish duty sex or receptacle sex on anyone. My hope for you in 2013 is that you uncover the patterns that are keeping you out of alignment with your own spiritual and sexual power so that you can come home to yourself and be who you are meant to be in this world. If you are not being that person for you, you sure can’t be that powerful person for your children, for your family, in your work or for your clients/customers.
Who do you want to be in 2013? Do you want to be a person who has duty sex, or who simply becomes a receptacle for your partners? I hope not. Bring your power home in 2013 and do it in a new way.
Amy Jo Goddard is a sexual empowerment coach, author, and sexuality educator who blogs regularly at www.amyjogoddard.com. She is founder of SPECTRA, a mentorship program to help sexuality professionals make more money doing the sexuality work they are passionate about.
As a David Neagle Certified Miracle of Money coach, Amy Jo helps women and couples create financial abundance, sexual pleasure and create the relationships and lives they desire. She teaches her Women’s Sexually Empowered Life Program in New York City and travels the US teaching courses and speaking at sexuality events. Visit www.amyjogoddard.com to get your free copy of her "Bringing Sexy Back: How to Revitalize a Dwindling Sex Life" audio class! Follow her on @amyjogoddard on Twitter and Facebook.