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5 Things NOT to Do Mid-Blowjob: Part 1



    Men and women love head. We love to receive and hopefully, we love to give as well. Camille Crimson has given us lots of useful blowjob tips, and we've also asked men 6 ways not to ask for head. But we haven't had a male's perspective yet! How about for those giving head Thank goodness Brendan White is aboard the GetLusty for Couples team! He has cleverly written on 5 things you should never do during a blowjob. Part two is coming soon.

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    Any men out there hate blowjobs? I challenge any of you readers to find a guy that is opposed to receiving oral sex. Go ahead, I'll wait. Yeah, none of you left your chair. And where there is a demand, a supply always follows.  So it's not too shocking that magazines and the internet are saturated with blowjob advice. Originally, I was going to write about killer blowjob strategies and techniques because I've run into fantastic tips and techniques. However, it seemed for every legitimate piece of advice was a polar opposite; its inverse, its yang. (Good advice) -1.  

    I'm of course talking about the absurd, the scary, the painful, the inconvenient and the silly blowjob technique. The theoretical technique that sounds exotic or sexy or creative or fresh but probably should never shake hands with reality. I'll be your blowjob captain today, steering you away from the rough seas of questionable oral sex acts and through the process of elimination, help you hone in on that "killer blowjob."

    #1 Say, "no" to choking on frozen grapes

    Frozen grapes. Again, not something I've ever experienced. While it might not necessarily feel bad having a contrast of temperature on your penis while receiving oral sex, I have to imagine that this particular technique would make things more difficult for the person giving the blowjob. The logistics of fondling a penis with your mouth does not get easier with half a dozen frozen fruit orbs thrown in the mix. Try and picture that - not very flattering.  Any pleasure gained with this technique may be cancelled out by the increased difficulty of the blow job. Plus, would there be the temptation to chow down? It sounds dangerous.


    #2 Pop Rocks. Scary!

    I've heard this faux technique so many times that I can comfortably call it a "classic" faux technique. The idea is that the popping sensation pop rocks produce when in contact with your saliva will feel awesome on your penis. I argue common sense says otherwise. They are crystallized sugar, which is hard and has edges! You may be scoffing to yourself right now. "Oh Brendan, but they're so small, and they pop! That sounds exciting, stop complaining. You'll love it!" No! The penis is extremely sensitive, especially the head.  Rubbing it against small hard and potentially sharp popping things is not A-Okay in my book.

    #3 Pepper under the nose? No!

    I am of course talking about the pepper under the nose. No. No. Do not ever think it's ok to surprise your partner with a face full of pepper when he is having an orgasm. I've heard whispers that sneezing while having an orgasm feels good, and while I cannot speak from personal experience, I know what it feels like to sneeze while urinating. If that is in any way comparable to a mid-ejaculation sneeze, I'm not interested. Plus there are important things on the face that should remain perpetually pepper free, like the eyes. Interestingly enough, there have been cases of association between sneezing and sexual stimulation. Still, pepper under the nose gets a double veto. 

    #4 Sweet'N Low semen?

    Using synthetic sugar if you don't like the taste of semen: I would actually recommend not swallowing if you don't like the taste, or communicating your concern to your partner.   Pouring a packet of Sweet'N Low in your mouth while giving a blow job does not sound enjoyable.

    If the person you are kindly providing a blowjob to is not considerate enough to work with your preferences then they are unworthy of your affection! A diet low on red meat, asparagus, garlic, and high on fruits, water, sugar improves the taste of semen.

    #5 Fork on the balls

    Wanted by no person ever. Well, that's not true, but if you suspect your partner might enjoy this, I recommend getting verbal confirmation first.

    Surprising him with a sharp metal object applied to the genitals might have the opposite effect of what you're going for. 
    This article is by Business Outreach intern and occasional writer, Brendan White. Brendan is a Boston University graduate with a passion for all things historical and also all things sex. A recent Boston transplant to Chicago, Brendan has a musical mind and at one point toured the country. When he's not thinking about conquering feudal Japan, chances are he's playing loud rock n' roll in some laboratory with other like-minded individuals. When he's not thinking about GetLusty for Couples, he's spending time with his exceptionally lovely girlfriend.

    What to get in touch with him?  E-mail Brendan at brendan@getlusty.com.  


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