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How Do I Bring BDSM Into Bed?

    GetLusty knows that having sex and being in a relationship leads to people having important questions. That's why we asked Moushumi Ghose (the LA Sex Therapist) to drop in again to answer another reader question this week.

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    Dear GetLusty,

    I want to try BDSM. How do I get my husband to go along with it? We finally talked about spanking and we tried it last night, but it wasn't hard enough or long enough. He is really too nice of a guy.

    I need some hard breast slapping and spanking and I want to be tied up. It is embarrassing to talk to him about this stuff. It has taken years to approach the topic of spanking. He just doesn't think the same way I do. But, I love him and I want to give up my control in the bedroom to him to do with me as he pleases. I don't want anyone else because I trust him and feel safe with him.

    Signed,
    Unsatisfied Wife of a Vanilla husband
     
    Dear Unsatisfied Wife of a Vanilla husband,

    You've got desires, and I have a hunch your hubbie has got desires too. You are making a lot of assumptions about your husband, suggesting you know how he thinks, however, it has actually taken you how long?... years you say, to even broach the subject of spanking. He has no idea what you want nor desire and how can he possibly try to please you if you don't even give him a chance.

    You know what you want and so it's times for the sex heart-to-heart. What is the "sex heart-to-heart?" It's where you bear your deepest darkest sexual needs and desires. You let go of your fears, be vulnerable, and be a little brave. This is the first step for you and your husband to have an amazing sex life.

    Find a neutral, quiet time to talk. This should not happen during sex, nor during any moment when you are being or getting intimate with your husband. Try the couch, the dinner table or even a coffee shop.

    Tell your husband that lately you have not been satisfied and you have some sexual fantasies you would like to share with him, and in turn you hope he will share of his fantasies with you. Let him know your goal is to spice up your sex life. If you want, let him know, this is hard for you. It's okay.

    Our sexual fantasies are personal, we are not always used to sharing them with people. This is where you take a deep breath, and commit yourself to being vulnerable, open and honest. Hopefully, your husband will follow your lead. Maybe not at the first seating, but maybe at the 2nd one. Depending on the length of your relationship, changing patterns can take time, so don't expect change to happen over night.

    You will probably need to have a 2nd, 3rd and 4th sex heart-to-heart. Getting desires and sexual fantasies met can be best done through role play. Talk about this. Think about roles in which you can be slapped, spanked and tied up, where it's not you and your husband, it's two completely different characters. You can put on costumes or just practice saying things together which are not in your everyday sexual repertoire. It might be awkward at first but it gets easier with time. Just remember change doesn't happen over night, but it also cannot happen unless you are willing to rock the boat a little.

    This is a guest post from the well acclaimed Moushumi Ghose.

    Moushumi Ghose is a Sex Therapist, Educator and Coach, Radio Host, Musician, and Filmmaker. She is licensed by the California Board of Behavioral  Science. She is a member of AASECT (American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists). Mou also has extensive experience working with a variety of populations and diverse lifestyles.

    Moushumi recently completed an eBook on, "Marriage, Money and Porn." and writes extensively for numerous other sites ranging from Men's Fitness Magazine to GoodTherapy.org. Find her on Twitter @motor_amourFacebook and her website LASexTherapist.com.

    Don't forget to comment below! Send them over to reply@getlusty.com and we'll get them answered!
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