Can somebody please punch this damn loser in his balls for me? I have a HUGE problem with John Mayer. I know, I know. I shouldn't pick yet another fight when I'm already battling Oprah and Rosie on two different fronts, but this guy is pretty much a slam dunk. After all, I'm sure The Beast fights with Madagascar death rules. Mayer here probably wind mill slaps at his opponent until security comes.
Why do I hate this asshole so much? It's because he's a flaming nobody hypocrite who's 15 minutes have been up for 20 already.
He's already dated a woman who's been in the Cunning Linguist top 5 to give tantric breast massage to. Two years in a row no less! How does he get on that gravy train? Hell, how do *I* get on that gravy train?
I know you're saying "But Cunning. He's brainless and talent-less..... she's brainless and talent-less. It's a perfect match".
You may have a point there. You just might. But I submit reason numero two-o exactly why John Mayer needs his balls fwapped.
THIS IS WHY!!!!!!!!! (pardon me whilst I go into a curse word tirade). Holy sweet mother of fucking pearl godamn motherfucker piece of shit sonafabitch cunt assed bitch of a cock sucking WHORE who's always eating carrot sticks!!!!!
*catches breath*
I'm sorry you all had to see that. I'm normally more composed. I just take my Jenny-Bear a little serious, ya know? Yes yes, this is the Cunning Linguist epic piece of dream muff of all time ( unless Angelina Jolie is reading this. In which case, I never liked that filthy whore and it's only you that I want to love, baby.).
How does he score her? Even if you hate this woman, which I can't see why you would. She's SO 6 levels above John Mayer. Did I say 6? That's giving him too much credit. There's Brad, Jenn, Angelina level waaaaaaaaay up here, then there's like Megan Fox and new Hollywood hotness. *rambles on for an hour* and then there's John Mayer and Kathy Griffin hotness down here.
Wait a minute here. I stand corrected. It seems with a little help from proper diet and exercise coupled with a lot of help from plastic surgery, The Sublime Ms. G has gotten uber photo hot. That's not to be confused with walking on the street hot. That just means that if the photo's of her lately were actually real in all of their airbrushed yummy goodness, I would give her free rides on the Cunning Linguist tongue machine. I readily admit she looks crazy hot for D-List status. I'd bang her in the back of Wayne Newton's limo if I thought I could get her to go for it. That sounds very low-class, but I assure you I would never afford that bobble headed skank Tila Tequila the same luxury.
Now what was my point again? Oh yeah. Ladies, do NOT fall into this spell that John Mayer casts for some unknown reason. I don't know what it is but the guy scores WAY above what he's supposed to in the piece of trim category. Yes, I'm talking to all of my female readership out there. You are all perfect 10's and I don't want to see you get spoiled by his crappy singing ways. As for the men.... you know what to do. Wrap your hands around a roll of quarters. The first one of us that sees this bastard, let him have it square in the nards. First one to bring back confirmed nut-sack smackage gets a prize.
12 comments:
You fancy Maniston and that strange orange creature?! I despair of you :P
he.
hehe.
he.
yes, *pow!*
one for me...
nope - not fond of players. been played way too often.
Abi ~ I said I'd bang the orange creature in the back of Wayne Newton's limo. There's a difference between fancy and Vegas d-list sex.
Tehk ~ you see those balls, PUNCH them.
MJ ~ That's just hit. He's playing in a field WAY above his and I don't know how the hell he does it! It pisses me off.
I would love to do many a things to John Mayer.
LIKE MURDER.
I'm kidding. Sort of.
john doesn't do well with women...maybe he should bat for the other team? Er, because there's a reason for his woes with women.
I mean really think about it. Hot chicks left and right and they break up...there is one common denominator here...him.
Now do you really think Jenn isn't a good F@ck. I would like to find out but I'm guessing she is...so, well.
I won't say he can't f@ck worth a hoot...but it comes to mind.
And as for A-jolie. *drools* (want)
Hold me back cunning...I'm on a roll.
And Kathy G...hello, I would so do her just for being the funny person she is. She is my fave funny girl. Plus I know she would so want to do me...once I got her real drunk. They all do. hehehe
Anyway John's music is so gay...in a 80s terminology kind of way. So don't go sending me hate mail thinking I'm calling him queer.
Though that comes to mind.
It's not a bad thing. Really he should just come out and said it to himself and to the world...'I love ABBA music. 'He will feel so much better once he admits it.
There...my work here is done.
Cunning...have a fab evening and tomorrow.
Fab post mister.It was brilliant.
Ciao honey. xxx I'll email you sweetie.
I don't like him either.
Katie ~ If we don't stop this man, the terrorists win. That's all I know.
SZJ ~ Jen Aniston is my all time #1 draft pick. Angie? I dunno. I'm going out on a limb here and say my head would explode if I ever had to choose. Kathy's a no brainer. I'd insist in the back of Wayne Newton's limo that I share with my good friend SZJ,lol.
Smacky-doo ~ Sometimes the most simple are also the most brilliant. I bet even his mom doesn't like him. ;)
well. well. well.
mr. cunning seems to have lost his mind here.
i heart players. i heart playing too. well. to be completely truthful john mayer rocks and i would do him. i would cheat on the many men i am stringing along and give the man some luvin like only i can.
and just so you know.
women like men who are nice. and generally we date men who make us look good. meaning....the ugly ones make us look... a) awesome cause we would love the fugly bastard despite his fugly status and b) them ugly looks cause much more attention to be drawn to us hotties due to the great contrast between the fugly and our obvious hot hot bodies and facial features.
keep in mind that when i say us or we or even our above i mean me. let us be honest here....it is all about me and really um and duh! there really is no hotter then little ol me and who really does compare.
my point exactly.
who's the lady in the black tee shirt with the obvious tits and the w-t-f hair?
what is it with the hair?
Psycho ~ So in order to get banged by Jen Aniston all's I gotta do is be nice? Oh well... looks like she's not getting the Cunning snausage. I have to draw the line somewhere ya know.
FS ~ That's none other than Jessica Simpson. And yes, the picture was chosen JUST because she had a see-thru shirt. :P
I don't know who he is so he is clearly a nobody!
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