I feel so bloated.

I have to be honest with you all. Ever since I stopped smoking I've put on a few pounds. Ok, maybe more than a few. Ok,ok,ok. Maybe a lot more than what my summer weight should be. You know what? I don't care. I've been a smoker for 20 years and my taste buds are going a little crazy. I admit at first it was an oral fixation thing. Then it became all "Wow! I can taste this!!!". It's pretty neat having this thing called flavor back in your life. Flavor, oh how I have missed thee.

That brings me to part of this post. Normally every summer I lose weight. By now I'm typically down to 170ish pounds. I look and feel good at that weight. It works for me. Now? No. I'm not 170. I think I ate a 170 pound danish for breakfast alone. Holy hell do I ever feel fat. The problem is though, I think I kinda like enjoying my food for a change, ya know? I pick something up that I've eaten a million times before and it tastes like I've never had it before in my life. And it's DEEEEEE-LISH-US! I bet if I ate Elmer's Glue right now I'd be all like "You know what? I could see why kids eat this stuff! Lemme hit that bottle again!". It's disgusting how much I'm eating and it need to stop. I just can't get it to now is all. Before I was a smoker and somewhat in my weight range, now I'm an ex-smoker and very pro vending cart hot dogs and 24 hour diner cream pies ( don't lie, you just went "ooooooo" because you love them too).

Do I grab it and own it this year? Do I stop now and crash diet? I'm so confused. You'd be confused too if all of the sudden everything tasted more gooder somehow.

In related news, has anybody seen Megan Fox lately? I have to say her flaunting her cleavage all over premiers for Transformers 2 to get my attention has worked. Oh, you're a sly one Megan. Very sly indeed. Check and mate my saucy little devil. You win and my body is yours to use in every deviated way you wish. Lemme just grab a few twinkies first and I'll see you in the bedroom you minx. rawr

They're dropping like flies!!!!!

First it was Ed McMahon. Then Farrah and MJ on the same day. Then Billy Mays ( for which I just want to add that if you pray hard enough kids, they get answered. You can all thank Uncle Cunning for that last one) kicked the bucket. Now Fred Travalena has passed. For those that don't know, he was a comedian that replaced Rich Little as master of voices. If you have no clue who Rich Little is/was.... then google it. You'll be glad ya did.

So here's all these people kicking the bucket. One after the other. I feel sorry for the families. I feel sorry for the fans. Most of all I feel sorry for myself. Why? Because it totally messes up my dead pool. You know who was supposed to go by now? PATRICK GODDAMN SWAYZE! You all heard me. He's had terminal stage 12 cancer for like what, 20 years now? This only proves that he made a deal with the Devil and I'm the only one that's seeing it. You all mark my words, it's all only a ploy to promote Ghost 2 : Electric Boogaloo. The man can't even be killed by cancer. There's something wrong with that, don't you all, think?

Oh... the picture up there. I didn't feel like fugging up my blog with any dead celebrity pictures. Instead I found something that makes me smile. Somehow Asian girls pretending to be kittens in french maid outfits always makes me happy. Bonus point for the dog collar as well, Betty Wong-Fu. I noticed *wink*

RIP, Mike.

I'm not breaking any news here when I say Michael Jackson has died. I'm also not telling you anything new when I say he was an icon of musical talent for many many years. Lastly, I'm not saying anything unheard of when I tell you like Elvis, Marilyn and those that have passed before thier time, he will be missed for many years to come.

RIP, Michael Jackson. 1958 ~ 2009

John Mayer needs his balls punched.

Can somebody please punch this damn loser in his balls for me?

I have a HUGE problem with John Mayer. I know, I know. I shouldn't pick yet another fight when I'm already battling Oprah and Rosie on two different fronts, but this guy is pretty much a slam dunk. After all, I'm sure The Beast fights with Madagascar death rules. Mayer here probably wind mill slaps at his opponent until security comes.

Why do I hate this asshole so much? It's because he's a flaming nobody hypocrite who's 15 minutes have been up for 20 already.

He's already dated a woman who's been in the Cunning Linguist top 5 to give tantric breast massage to. Two years in a row no less! How does he get on that gravy train? Hell, how do *I* get on that gravy train?

I know you're saying "But Cunning. He's brainless and talent-less..... she's brainless and talent-less. It's a perfect match".

You may have a point there. You just might. But I submit reason numero two-o exactly why John Mayer needs his balls fwapped.

THIS IS WHY!!!!!!!!! (pardon me whilst I go into a curse word tirade). Holy sweet mother of fucking pearl godamn motherfucker piece of shit sonafabitch cunt assed bitch of a cock sucking WHORE who's always eating carrot sticks!!!!!


*catches breath*


I'm sorry you all had to see that. I'm normally more composed. I just take my Jenny-Bear a little serious, ya know? Yes yes, this is the Cunning Linguist epic piece of dream muff of all time ( unless Angelina Jolie is reading this. In which case, I never liked that filthy whore and it's only you that I want to love, baby.).



How does he score her? Even if you hate this woman, which I can't see why you would. She's SO 6 levels above John Mayer. Did I say 6? That's giving him too much credit. There's Brad, Jenn, Angelina level waaaaaaaaay up here, then there's like Megan Fox and new Hollywood hotness. *rambles on for an hour* and then there's John Mayer and Kathy Griffin hotness down here.



Wait a minute here. I stand corrected. It seems with a little help from proper diet and exercise coupled with a lot of help from plastic surgery, The Sublime Ms. G has gotten uber photo hot. That's not to be confused with walking on the street hot. That just means that if the photo's of her lately were actually real in all of their airbrushed yummy goodness, I would give her free rides on the Cunning Linguist tongue machine.

I readily admit she looks crazy hot for D-List status. I'd bang her in the back of Wayne Newton's limo if I thought I could get her to go for it. That sounds very low-class, but I assure you I would never afford that bobble headed skank Tila Tequila the same luxury.

Now what was my point again? Oh yeah. Ladies, do NOT fall into this spell that John Mayer casts for some unknown reason. I don't know what it is but the guy scores WAY above what he's supposed to in the piece of trim category. Yes, I'm talking to all of my female readership out there. You are all perfect 10's and I don't want to see you get spoiled by his crappy singing ways. As for the men.... you know what to do. Wrap your hands around a roll of quarters. The first one of us that sees this bastard, let him have it square in the nards. First one to bring back confirmed nut-sack smackage gets a prize.

The cable company can lick my scrotum!

Let me ask you a question.........

Why do we pay for cable?

I know, it seems like I'm being retarded, right? "Well, Uncle Cunning. We pay for cable to subscribe to our entertainment blah blah snippity bleh bluh blah". Yeah yeah, I have the whole thing about why we pay for cable. I'm asking the underneath question though, if you will. WHY do we pay for cable television. Or even satellite television, for that matter. It's all the same to me.

Think about it.

Basic cable has commercials in it. The people advertising pay money to the stations to air those commercials. Then we pay money to the cable provider for the signal from the station. The station and the provider have an "agreement" where they lease the signal for a dollar. It's a mutual system. Without one, the other cannot exist. So who's left holding the bag? You guessed it. You and me, folks.


Now, you might be saying to yourself right now "But Uncle Cunning! There's cables and wires to maintain. There's satellite dishes to keep track of and satellites. It's all very complex and VERY expensive." You know what? I agree with you. I'm not saying don't give the devil his due. It costs something to provide the service. However.... it shouldn't cost every family 60ish dollars a month to subscribe to BASIC cable with commercials in it. Turn on your radio right now. You hear songs, right? You hear commercials, right? Did you pay anything for it? No. If you want commercial free radio, you buy a satellite radio and PAY a subscription for it! If you want the luxury of NOT paying for commercials, you pay for it. I get it. EASY concept.

Why can't television work the same way?

For that fact, why do I have to buy a package if I only want HBO? Why do I have to buy 32 sports channels and 18 Spanish channels if I don't watch or use them? Why can't you just say to me "You want HBO? That's cool. It's 4.95 a month extra". Hey, sweet. I'll take it. With the way things are currently, I have to buy basic cable at 60 a month. That gives me roughly 66 channels. Sounds like a lot, right? not really when you think about it. Half of them are useless and in Spanish or sports. Another part is home shopping QVC bullshit ( which is another gripe. WHY am I paying for a channel to sell me bullshit I don't need????). Yet another part is comprised of things I will NEVER want to see in a million years. I have no need to see who's on real world Cancun this year. Frig, for that fact.... MTV doesn't even have music on it anymore! To get the Music TeleVision with music on it....... you have to pay for it in a package!!!!!!!

Here's what I propose. We stop paying for cable tv. Just knock it off already. Give it out for free ( I can already hear cable tv execs shitting themselves, but bear with me). It's commercial signal that you get for free and we all know it. The non-commercial channels? Sell them to us. HBO costs 2.95 a month. Showtimes and cinemax? 3.95 a month. You want a sports grouping? Give us ALL sports channels for like 10 bucks a month. Right on down to Peruvian speed hair counting... give it to us. Follow on through down the line like that for everything. The smut channels? Go on and charge 10.95 a month for those each. You heard me.... EACH. Guess what.... we'll pay it.

Ya know what you're going to get in the end? TV the way it SHOULD be. TV the way it was meant to be. Hell, under that guideline above, I know my cable bill would double alone.

I'm serious, TV as we know it has to change. As it is I'm watching shows with twice the commercials in it that they used to have and paying for it. how can it get any worse?

Oprah! You crazy assed bitch, you.

What the hell is she trying to do in that picture? Is she trying to mentally get me to buy some crappy book off her club list or something? That's just fucked up.

Ok, for the un-initiated.... Oprah ( or as I like to call her, "The Beast" ) and I are in this HUGE war that only I know about. Oh, I have no doubts that she knows well about it too, but she's a damn minion from Hades. A self promoting juggernaut. I'm pretty sure she sold her soul to be where she is on this planet and therefore only *I* am able to care and put feeling into this epic battle. Besides, she's too busy telling Gayle King to get a whiff of her farts and ordering her to say they smell like roses as always to care about me anyways. In related news..... that's some pretty strong lesbian love to whiff Oprah farts and not mind. Amazing what money will do to some people, huh? *tsk*

Where was I? Oh yeah.... The Beast is talking crazy again. This time it's not only me who took note, though. THIS TIME an accredited magazine is backing Cunning's shit UP! Yeahhhhhhh. See? I wasn't all imagining it like half of you were thinking. I was so not imagining it that I decided to actually have somebody guest post the opinion for me today. A-HAAAA! A plot twist on all of your sorry asses. Suck it up, 'cuz that's how I roll bitches.

I'm just batshit retarded over Oprah and can't think straight. It all turns into her eventually getting a carrot up her ass and the jolly green giant calling her a ho-ho-ho ( shut up, that shit was funny and you know it). For the actual opinion part, I turn you fine people over to Miss Lilly.

Miss Lilly..... the floor is yours. You have 30 seconds. Preach it, sistah!

Oprah, seems to me, is THE most gullible person on the planet. And has the wealth and ability to then try to spread it around like leprosy.Let's go over some of the shit that this article talks about as being crap on her show that she just raves about like it's the Almighty Miracle Cure. Suzanne Somers (come on, are you kidding me? She thinks Suzanne Frickin Summers is a "medical pioneer"??) and her overdosing of "natural" hormone replacements and 60 - yeah 60 - pills that she takes a day of vitamins and supplements. She also gives herself various injections....including an injection right into her vagina.That's fuckin' crazy, right there. But no, Oprah claims to have tried Suzanne's way of life and the sky is now bluer. Or maybe the excess hormones are making her hallucinate.

There's an ob-gyn who thinks everything is all mystical and related to your soul. And that your soul is trying to speak to you."She has written about how she has used Tarot cards to help diagnose her own illnesses. (On her Web site, she sells her own "Women's Wisdom Healing Cards.")"Oh god. Really? No, seriously? TAROT cards to diagnose your own illnesses?? Shit, sure saves on co-pays! But I don't think the insurance companies will allow "my tarot cards told me I have a brain tumor, I need a CAT scan" as a good enough reason to pay for one.

Gullible. And then when Oprah's mind is wrapped around an idea from a celebrity....damn the torpedo's and full steam ahead! It doesn't appear that any common sense or medical sense research is really done to give both sides - expert doctors who might join in aren't given a fair shake to say their "You're fuckin crazy, bitch" side of things. And then....after Oprah has said "I did it, this is THE BOMB and you should too!!" somebody does it and sooprise soooprise has an adverse reaction. And they blame Oprah. Oprah's response is then to backtrack and say she didn't mean to come across that way, no no, you should always consult your doctor and it was just her opinion! I'm sorry but I've lost respect for the women who watch her show and believe everything they hear on it.

Holy shit.... Lilly's pissed, huh? I see quotation marks and exclamation points all over the place. I admit I only focused on the parts where it said vagina injections and pussy tarot cards but that's kinda what I do. You come to me for the smut and places like CNN for facts that makes sense. Fortunately, I'm smart enough to get a person in here this time to make sense of what I'm ranting about. Well done, Lilly.

So there it is boys and girls. Now even Newsweek is on my side. Uh? Uh? Do I see the Oprah armor cracking? Yes, I believe I do. I'm wearing her down and people are gaining in my new Anti-Oprah World Order ( registered trademark pending). Oprah's going DOWN! Gayle I'll keep though. I need a good fart sniffer on the payroll. ;)

what? What? WHAT? Oh, I didn't hear you.

If you're an old fart.....er..... product of the late 70's early 80's like me, you'll appreciate this trip down memory lane. If you're too young to remember then screw you. Just send me a nude and make an old man happy.

Where was I? Oh yeah. Sorry. Us old folk tend to wander off a bit.

Growing up not much was more badass than The Six Million Dollar Man. Uh, that is unless you were a girl and then the Six million Dollar WOMAN would be more badass. But even as a little boy I knew if SMDM really wanted to, he could bitch slap her into the kitchen and have her make him a turkey pot pie. No, he was a modern man. Always a gentleman and would never do such a thing. To put it kindly, Bruce Fucking Lee with a flame thrower would have a hell of a fight on his hands because this guy was so damn cool and moms everywhere liked him. He was "it" if I may be so bold.

Growing up you have a few role models. Mine were Fonzie and this guy. I'd have been fine with being either one of them when I got older. Even though I was too young to know what getting all the ladies meant, I knew those guys sure got them all. They drove fast cars. They did cool things. Their lives were always perfect after 1/2 hour of when the show came on. I idolized them and more specifically..... The Six Million Dollar Man. Read down a few posts where I give my rendition of when he talks to Farrah. Did you see where he had enough machismo to kick her ass out and go bang Wonderwoman? Yeah, that's how we viewed him as kids.

Imagine my surprise when I'm sitting there STILL NOT SMOKING and watching tv. An infomercial comes on. Whu? Is that? Holy shit..... it's Lee Majors! What's he doing on infomercial land time? Is he selling a new way to get the ladies and kick terrorists ass? I'll buy it. Maybe it's a handy dandy little exercise machine where you just workout and have pre-recorded sayings happen in the background where he says "I'll still kick your ass, you know". Hell, I'd buy that too! Lemme see what "The Man" is selling and get the phone ready to dial here.

Now you can hear what you've been missing! Bionics is the assistance of normal human functions through technology. With the Lee Majors Rechargeable Bionic Hearing Aid, you can enjoy watching TV, listening to music, and more at a comfortable level for those around you.

https://www.hearingaidtv.com/

Lemme ask you fine folks something here for a minute. Did you ever have that feeling where you knew for a fact you weren't stoned, but it felt that way anyways? You know the kind of feeling I'm talking about. The brain shuts down and not a damn thing makes sense to you. It's all just "Whuuuuuuu? huh huh huh huh. Dude....huh? No WAYYYYYYY!". Yeah, it's a total Bill and Ted moment, right? That's EXACTLY how I felt watching this. It was all a total conundrum and my brain refused to make sense of what I was seeing.

Lee Majors.... the Six Million Dollar Man. He's....... he's old? Wtf?!?!?! When did that happen?

Let me tell you folks. Our hero's shouldn't grow old. They should die young and never come to this. It would be like if Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison were alive right now they'd be doing Time/Life oldies rock infomercials. Just wrong wrong wrong. What if Janis Jolin were alive? Would she be doing print ads for Doan's back pills?

I'm just totally distraught over this whole bionic hearing aid thing. I really am. Then again if I got one as a gift you wouldn't ever be able to tell me I didn't hear something. How are you gonna compete with a person who says they have bionic hearing? You just can't :)