Again........

I went blog trolling and see a lot of you havn't changed over to the new blog addy. Just erase the current one and mark the new one as following please. Don't want you to miss the million dollar give-a-ways every tuesday. Or the free boobies and beer ( or penis and pina colada's for the ladies) awesome-jam mondays and the like. You know how it is there..... always manna from heaven.

Regards all,

Uncle Cunning.

Pssssssssst!

http://thecunningone1.blogspot.com/

Go over there. I have no clue why blog world did that to me. The keen observer will notice it's the same addy only with a "1" tagged onto the cunningone text. But you and I both know it's a secret ploy to seperate us.

*pets his blogging readership*

You know that'll never happen, darlings. I love you and nothing can tear us apart.

Just go over there and make that the link for me in your fav's or blogrolls or what have you. I'll be posting there and not here, k? Thanks.

Backhands on the highway

OK, kiddies. Let's start off this day by going forward and not looking back. I was honestly going to do another 9-11 post. Then I got to thinking "I already did that". I can't really top it and when people ask what my best work is, I point them to that link. The link is to the right and here again. In closing, been there, done that. Let's do something a little different as far as memory goes, shall we?

Now, I don't expect a lot of the under 21 crowd to relate to what I'm saying. It's nothing personal. But when we were kids, things were different. By different, I mean worse. Worse as far as automotive travel goes anyways. We didn't have in-car DVD players, handheld video games or any luxuries. Our biggest thing was car bingo that you see above in the picture. That was IT. If you had siblings, car bingo was the end all to be all to automotive entertainment. Of course with my sister and I it always wound up the same. We'd get bored about 10 minutes into it and start cheating and saying we saw something and marking it off on the card. You had no real way to deny you didn't see it because you could always pull the "oh, we passed it" move. It was a game built on the honor system played by dishonorable children everywhere. If you forgot car bingo, you were forced to play "I spy with my little eye". It was awful.

Then there was seating position. We had a 1967 Chevrolet Impala. It was an old car even back then. You had to call your crappy spot before you got in the car. Of course that's nothing new because kids nowadays still do that I assume. Only that we had the misfortune of getting stuck on the "hump" in the back. Holy hell, that was the seat of suck. That hump was the worst. There weren't front wheel drive cars. We had the drive shaft running under the middle of the car and in order to fit it you had to sacrifice floor space in the back of the car. That's where the hump came into play. If you got stuck on the hump for any longer than 10 minutes, your life was hell. Of course, we played it off like it was no big deal. Your little 8 year old knees were tucked up into your chest and your arms folded around them. "What? No, no. I like the hump. I got the best seat in the car". It was bullshit, quite frankly, nobody liked the hump.

Another option was the back-back. I have no clue where child protection services was in those days, but I'm pretty sure they didn't exist. Aside from the beatings that were freely given out to kids who were acting up in public, they should have existed to keep kids from the back-back. You may ask where in the world with a 4-door car a back-back would be. It's not like a station wagon where you have "more" back. No, it was that shelf behind the back seat. It was totally acceptable to lay up there as a kid and discover the dead bee and fly collection that had gathered there for some reason. You took your life in your own hands when you rode in the back-back. Sudden stop? Hey..... has anybody ever gone from 50 miles per hour and just stopped and rolled like a tube shaped cannon ball and hit the backs of the front seats of the car to stop in their lives? Well, that's what happened in the back back. God forbid you didn't get your ass back up there before the car got moving again. A calculation in bad judgement meant you got up to get there and got face slammed into the seat with your arms spread out flailing from the smoosh of your nose. Again..... where was child protection services? I'm shocked any of us made it to adult from that era.

Of course, no matter what it was always better to have a world of suck in the back than sit in the front with a seat belt on. Sitting in the front meant you got backhanded by mom every damn time she stopped short and wanted to protect you. WHAP! She was like a karate chopping hard braking Bruce Lee or something. It never failed. She stopped short, you weren't paying attention and here comes the arm to protect you from what the seat belt couldn't. I can't tell you how many times I've seen my sister get the bridge of her nose bashed back because my mother had two speeds. It was either go or holy shit, you asshole. Why'd you stop like that???? Why she could never remember the height of her own children to not do that I don't know. I was too busy enjoying my cannonball tube of death ride onto the hump and bouncing like a pink rubber ball to notice.

Hey, lemme ask you all something. Do you remember the "Don't make me pull this car over" threat? We never heard that. My old man was slick. My sister and I would ultimately bored in the 40 hour drive to my Aunt's house 2 hours away and start acting up. He wouldn't threaten to stop the car. He'd just ask us "Hey guys, look at this!" Like dumb mindless lemmings we'd both put our round little heads to the front of the seat and BAM! "Now knock it off or I'm gonna get angry". Oddly enough, all of the sudden the hump wasn't the biggest problem in the car anymore. To this day even when I'm driving and he's the passenger, my eyelid twitches a bit when he points something out that he wants me to see.


Now that I'm proof-reading this post, I probably should have done another 9-11 tribute. In the overall grand scheme of things the car trips I took as a kid are a longer terror than that one day. Still though, I can't help but remember all the fun we had too. I'm sure there was fun, wasn't there? I dunno.... I'm still trying to figure out why I never won at car bingo.

On the spot MeMe

I've been around the block. I've read quite a few meme's in my time. I still have no clue what "meme" stands for so I'll assume "me-me". If that's the case, I don't like meme's. Why? because they never really suited "me" in any of the ones I've been tagged with. No hard hitting questions. No in-depth fact finding. Just favorite colour and maybe a little spicy in the neighborhood of what foods one likes to eat. I know, boring right? Totally boring.

So that got me thinking. Why don't I just write my own stupid meme and really get it out there. As one would assume, me is my favorite subject in life. This should be crazy easy so let's see where it takes us.

Who are you? Holy crap, right out of the gate I feel like I have MPD. This is gonna suck. Maybe I should have re-thought this whole thing but the lazy in me doesn't want to come up with a new opening paragraph. Lazy! I'm lazy. There.... question answered. Holy shit, I'm better at this than I thought. I can tell already this entire thing is going to write itself. Excuse me whilst I take a nap and open my eyes to expect this post finished and perfect.

Do you often nap during the day? Frig.... I guess that just answered my question as to how easy this was going to be. Oh well, I feel refreshed anyways. How about you?

Why do you blog? It lets the little voices in my head out and play. If this doesn't work I go to plan B with a cordless drill and start working that way.

What's your favorite colour? Holy shit. I suck at this more than I thought.

I have never.... Killed a homeless man no matter what I've said in the past. I can't speak of those with mortgages though.

I will always... Masturbate no matter how old I get. I'm sorry but somebody needs to come out and say this crap. It's like nose picking. We all do it but nobody talks about it. You want me to stop? Fine, either do it for me or find somebody who will. Until then, Sears Summer Collection catalog here I come! ( wasn't intentional but I'll take it).

I regret... Nothing in life. Well... one thing, but it's a stupid kid mistake made as a kid. We'll leave it at that.

You don't know, but... I never graduated high school. Well, not entirely true. I stopped going and just went and got my GED. Technically speaking I graduated well before my class. Had I actually been smart and not just be able to recall what I read in a book easily, I'd have stuck out the boredom. It made further education tougher to get and explain why I did what I did.

I always wished... That I had gone into theater or some sort of performing arts. I think if I actually gave it effort when I was younger I could have been Ed Norton and he could be stuck in a building all day trying to decipher complicated math and chemical equations. Damn you, Ed Norton. Damn you TO HELL! See? pretty good, huh?

When I was younger... I made a pact with myself that I could grow old but never grow up and take life too seriously. So far, mission accomplished. Well, except for that how to be a serious grownup night course at community college I'm taking. That's only a ploy to get chicks though, so it's cool.

When I get older... I'll masturbate a lot. Were you not paying attention up there? No, of course you weren't. You skim over stuff to get the general idea and move on with life. It's ok, I do the same thing. In a related note ; War and Peace. 20 minutes start to finish. If I read all the war stuff I'd have never gotten to see how it all ended. Oh, wait a minute.

I've had... Adventurous sex in my lifetime. Maybe that's why I don't get any now. I've cashed in all my happy fun time chips and that was all,lol. Rooftop in the pouring rain, middle of summer. Grocery store parking lot. In New Jersey. Etc, etc etc.

I take... What I do deadly seriously. Even though my stock and trade makes my desk full of speculums, all humor is turned off when dealing with them. I'm very proud actually, to claim that through my efforts advancements in the success of women's health issues have been made. Of course with that said, I'm looking for the right lab partner to help me certify and product test some things. E-mail me :P

I give... No mistakes that I'm as brutally honest as a person can be. One thing is certain, one always knows where they stand with me. Life's too short to be making things up and my memory can't recall lies instantly anyways. Good or bad, I'm brutally open and honest with everybody. Also in this section, my word. If I give it, you can bet it's not broken without it hurting me more than you.

My mother... Is a secretary and the reason why I have respect for all living things. She taught me how to cook and put a little art ( and crafts) in my life.

My Father... Is a worthless prick lying bastard. At least that's what my mother says,lol. For me though? He was strict but I now know why. He taught me honor and duty as well as the satisfaction in contributing something to this world while you are in it.

If today was my last day... I'd still have lived 2 lifetimes more than anybody else I know. I've dined with leaders of state and nation as well as those who are homeless. I've travelled more than I really care to remember and have seen greatness as well as tragedy that are past the scale of measure in each degree. You all know somebody who has that uncanny knack of "being there" somehow when things happen in all directions. I'm that guy. Would I do it over again? In a hot New York minute, baby.

To the youth... I say take the long shot. Don't be afraid to point and swing for the fences as long as it doesn't hurt anybody in the game. I can't stress enough how painfully short it all is and that I know of, it only comes around the once. If you feel like wearing an orange floppy hat and purple shirt with polka dot pants, go for it. If you feel like going into business for yourself, then do it. To not truly live while alive is tragedy and crime unto itself.

To the older generation... I'll see you in class next Tuesday. yeah yeah, I know it's my turn to bring the donuts and prune danish, relax.

I invented the McChicken ya know.

The informed reader will already know that I started off in my semi-adult life as a chef. Cooking schools, owned catering businesses and blah blah blah. If you didn't, guess what, you're up to speed now.




So anyways, I get to talking to my good buddy Lilly the other day about jobs we had as kids. I was all too pleased to share how I started my career in the world of being a Chef. Of course, it started at Mc Donald's. I know... that's what I was thinking too! Didn't Gordon Ramsey flip Big Macs there too as a start? I might be wrong but I think he was a Burger King guy. I'll have to check on that and get back to you.

There I was, a young wee Cunning lad working the flat top grill at McD's. It was a magical time and all of my friends worked there so I actually took the job very seriously to make good impressions on them. *chokes*. My buddy Charlie was there, Randy, damn near everybody I knew. McD's was the "hangout" when we were all kids. You either worked there or hung out there so you had your pick of how to be on the property I guess.

I began to regale and tell Lilly about how I invented the Mc Chicken sandwich years before it had become such a thing. Right after Mc Nuggets first came out ( yeah, I'm just that old, kids. I lived in the pre-nugget era of life. We had nothing and walked to school uphill both ways) I got the bright idea to slap a few of them on a hamburger bun with lettuce and mayo. Thus the Mc Chicken was born without any of us knowing it. Oh sure, they'll tell you some idiot in a Mc Lab somewhere came up with the bright idea but there's always the unsung hero before him who did it as a fluke. Hello, I am your fluke hero in this story. No doubt they'll put it on my tombstone long after I'm gone. "Here lays Cunning Linguist. Inventor of the Mc Chicken sandwich and nobody ever even knew it. P. S. ~ He really liked boobies a LOT too". Yeah, it's gonna be all epic and shit.

Now here's what else came after the Mc Chicken that maybe not so grandiose. About 2 1/2 minutes later Ninja Nuggets were invented. That's' when the inventor of the Mc Chicken nugget type sandwich gets pissed off at one of his friends and removes said nugget out of sandwich and surprises him with a Yankees style fastball hurl in their direction. It made contact and mortally wounded the opponent ( as witnessed by the "you asshole! WTF was that for????) therefore being a deadly weapon of mass poultry bit destruction.

There were also favorite pastimes in the glorious McD's. Unlike Ninja Nuggets which had no defined winner or loser in the game, assuming you can call it that, we had tomato toss. Oh man, I loved tomato toss. Now THAT was fun. You started out standing about a foot away from your co-worker and lobbed a tomato at them. They caught it and lobbed it back. Then you took a step away and served volley to them again. They stepped back and reciprocated in kind. If you were playing with a good tomato toss athlete, the game can go epic in no time and really draw a crowd. It always ended the same, though. Eventually one of you would be in the back stock room and the other out in the lobby and you'd be hurling tomatoes at each other with breakneck speed. There would be tomato splat-mishaps all over the place but it was fun.

Ehhhhh.... looking back on it now with adult eyes maybe it wasn't the brightest thing to do. You know, creating our own mess to have to clean up. Honestly now, who likes cleaning high speed spaghetti sauce from the light fixtures and what not.

Then there were the pickle races. Pickle races dictated who was King or Queen for the end of the night. Everybody grabbed a pickle and flopped it in the ketchup bucket. Then we all gathered at the main big window and threw them up at the top of the window. Slowly, gravity took hold and pulled them down at varying rates of speed. Whoever got to the bottom first got the task of scrubbing the pickle window playing field. Second had to sweep the parking lot and do trash, etc and so on. The last person still in the race had nothing to do. They won a night of freedom because they were deemed the pickle master. I was only lucky enough to win such glory once but oh, what a feeling indeed. I chose to sit in the office with a case of about 5,000 monopoly pieces and tear them apart looking for the million dollar prize.

I never did find the prize. For that fact, I never got credit for inventing the Mc Chicken ( or triple Mc Rib with cheese or fish filet o' mac either) either. but at least now somebody knows. ;)

Bad 80's movie moments

When you have a movie that gives you a memorable quote such as "Wherever you go, there you are" you tend to remember it. Buckaroo Bonzai is that movie.

Let Uncle Cunning bottom line this little gem for all of you. It sucks. It sucks bad. No, REALLY bad. It sucks so much, it's deliciously good. That's how much it sucks.

You've got Peter Weller playing the lead as Buckaroo Banzai, the son of an American mother and Japanese father who is a combination physicist, neurosurgeon, martial arts master, secret agent, and rock star who travels with his band of assistants/backing musicians, The Hong Kong Cavaliers. This was way before Robocop, the badass cyborg law enforcement officer of tomorrow. Dare I say, he was molded after Chuck Norris but, even they didn't give him half of the abilities of Sir Chuck. That would just be silly.

Then you have Jeff Goldblum. A Jewish Cowboy from New Jersey who plays piano and sings a little. Again, way before that lame "Fly" thing he did. MUCH cooler than a stupid fly. Jewish NJ Cowboys kick human fly hybrid asses, dammit!

John Lithgow plays s deranged scientist who commands an inter-dimensional ( from the 8th dimension to be exact) army to take over earth. What can I say about John Lithgow. He kicks ass in anything he does. The man is a legend.

Did I already mention Christopher Lloyd ( older readers will remember Rev. Jim from Taxi and younger will remember Doc from Back to the future) plays a rastafarian alien named John Bigboote ( pronounced Big-boo-TAYYYY). I'm a huge fan of Christopher Lloyd. Him playing a Rasta Alian just makes me want to cover myself into a coolwhip bikini and try to get you as my new quarterback crush for the season. Wait, huh?

Don't ask me how I remembered this movie from my youth. If you have a chance in the Walmart 4 dollar bins and see it, pick it up. Like I said... it's crazy disgustingly stinky Roquefort cheese kinda good. If you are so inclined (looks around to make sure we're alone) I suggest you smoke a little green and watch it. You KNOW it'll be the best movie you've ever seen. Then you'll know what I mean when I say.....

........ Wherever you go, there you are!

Breakin the law! Breaking the law!

I swear my kid is going to be a lawyer. I mean what I'm about to say with every bit of heartfelt intent that I love him. He's a little prick bastard sonofabitch. Seriously, it's said with love.

You all know I don't usually go on about personal family crap and open that door too often, but on this case I must. The other day he pulled a "Cunning Linguist" move and I nearly shat things.

He's got this little yellow battery operated Corvette that ya charge up and zip around the yard on. Up until now he's never put two and two together that "Gee, I can drive this on the street like a real car!". The other day I caught him going next door to a friend's house because he has a Jeep much the same. It was cute but I told him..... "Don't drive that on the road, a car could come along fast and not see you and make little boy pancakes out of you". He says OK and we don't discuss it again.

So I come home and what do I see? A little yellow battery operated Corvette on the street with 2 kids in it tooling around ( I live on a dead end sorta street for those about to call Child Protective Services, so he's never truly in any grave danger). I pull the car up next to him and give him the hardass "Dad Stare". yeah.... THAT one.

" I thought I told you not to drive this car on the street?" I said in my best stern voice. "Oh, I know" he says back. "Well then, what are you and your friend doing out here ON the STREET?" I reply. He says "You told ME not to drive it on the street, that's why Ethan is driving and I'm the passenger!" with a smile.

I had everything I could do not to bust out laughing and give him the get your ass in the house now look. I swear it. A nanosecond away from that little pisswad calling my bluff.

If you'll excuse me, I have to go find out how I'll be paying for law school now. Something tells me I'll be needing a few extra part time jobs.